Desert

Exhausted.
I will die here.
My mind is numb, I have no air to breathe,
I am too weak.
There is nothing to quench my thirst and my hunger is ravenous.


The heat is intolerable by day and the cold by night
There is no end in sight.


I fall down and allow my grip on self, on the goal of my seeking,
to loosen out of exhaustion.
My clenched hands open in fatigue, and I give up my death grip on my security.
I give up.


In my mind I am allowing my search for Love himself to die, but I discover the hunger for him still lives.
What dies is is my fearful grip on the desires of self, control, my cherished, precious desire to feel God love me.
The need.
What dies is the need centered on myself. The consuming need to FEEL loved by Him, important, safe, not abandoned, never discarded.  The fear laying at the core that I would fight and hold on to at the same time.


And I die, but not me.
A shell of self falls off that I never knew I could be free from, a skin shed. I let go of the self that I have made and stand to discover myself as the person that God has made.
A parasite that was starving me, while I thought it was God who was killing me.


I can stand again. My thirst is different. I am lighter, I am freer.
One step in front of the other, in the heat, in the darkness
Moving now without the heavy burden of fear, and the self created as a shield I was carrying before, I have new strength to go on.


Seeking not to feed the thirst of self for love, feelings, worth, but to seek God himself who is my true thirst, my life, my everything.
The hidden God, the silent God, the present God.
The God deeper in me than those cravings and desires could sense.


Who sustains me as I seek him.
And I continue on my journey.
Deo Gratis