Another alabaster jar....The alabaster jar of my desire for God according to my own ideas, to how I had known him before. Of thirsting for an end to my thirst instead of thirsting purely for Him alone. The alabaster jar touched with selfishness in pursuing him, seeking rest in him and not finding, like Mary at the tomb...looking for something other than how he wants to show himself- needing to see Him to ease my pain instead of to wait, discover and embrace Him as he wants to be to me now.

I break this jar and pour out my trust and my love and my need to him. The perfume of peace fills my soul, the room we are in.  I cry tears of love and gratitude and kiss his feet. I breathe in the strong perfume of peace mixed with His own breath until my sense are intoxicated.  I wipe away the tears from his feet softly, with what I had once used to cover myself.

I have nothing and let go of my grip on desire, falling into trust instead. I can no more draw God to me that I can purify myself. I let shatter the alabaster jar of the pursuit of self which named itself the pursuit of God, the pursuit of God I know, at the feet of He who Is, who will show himself to me as he desires.

He draws me by his ways...not mine...By a path I do not know, in ways I don't understand. In secret he draws me and gives himself to me as he desires. And my desire now, is for His desires.

I am Mary at the tomb, empty, weak, exhausted, heartbroken, but persevering through the cross and the night in seeking. But seeking Christ as he was to me, instead of recognizing him as he chooses to be to me now- resurrected, transformed, new, hidden, intimate. He softly calls my name and I find him - more hidden, but more beautiful than how I had known him.  He has not taken away the better part after all.